Of My Unapologetic, Introverted Self

Since I am bored here at work, let me talk about myself a little bit more...

I consider myself to be a private person to the point of being an introvert. For some people, it may seem impossible that I am introvert considering how talkative I can get and the tendency to perform and be a ham at the drop of the hat. It doesn't help that I have a tendency to push for what I want and speak thought easily. Well, to set the record straight, I took a personality test couple of months back and found out I am an equal balance of both being an introvert and an extrovert. Yes, somewhat, schizophrenic if you ask me.

So anyway, yes I think I am an introvert. Bow. End of this entry..

Seriously though, even talking about it like this makes me uncomfortable. I am private in the sense that I've learned to vent and express my true uncensored and uninhibited thoughts to close friends, family and people I absolutely trust. As much as possible, I try to keep my mouth shut when I see or hear things I don't like or consider dangerous or distasteful. I'd like to think that over the years I have been able to do my own pruning and managed to learn how to conduct myself better among people I have to get along with or must show my good side to in order to live in an unchaste environment. This is of course, is not to say that I have perfected the art of being classy and smart enough to keep my chin up and my nose clean. Life has its snags and there's no way to avoid them.

I write these thoughts because lately things have taken an interesting turn in my life. You know what they say, when the flame is too hot or the fire is on, one can see the true colors of people. The tension and the pressure make for excellent ingredients to getting people into the hot seat, messing up, revealing their true sentiments to others and well, basically, cracking their own codes.

I've been cruising along all this time and simply enjoying what I do. I look myself and realize how much I have learned and experienced, and how much more I want to learn and make out the experience. Time passes when I'm having a good time. For that, I am a lucky duck.

But then of course there are issues that give me bad vibes. Like when people who I sense have a secret hatred or dislike for me. I know I haven't done anything to them but they just seem to resent me. Blame it on anything about me. I have strong features. I'm straightforward and I don't sugarcoat my words as often as they would like me to. I am friendly. My hair is fucked up sometimes. The list could probably go on.

To that I say this: My parents never taught me to apologize for being myself. I was raised to believe myself. I was raised to believe I could be anything and do anything I want as long as I never step on people to get what I want and don't forget to treat people as people. So it follows that they taught me never to feel sorry for being different, for being like this... For being gay.

Perhaps this is where the extrovert in me emerges. Put me in a cab or ask me to talk to janitors and the security guards and chances are, I'll found out more about them than you will. Put me in a room with a president, senators, celebrities, social figures and watch me talk to them like normal individuals who have a lot to share about their experiences. (If you don't know me well and are reading this blog with a raised eyebrow in disbelief, let me tell you, I've been tried and tested.) My family has raised me not to be shy--but to be assertive and articulate. No pa-cute annoying smiles, shrugging of shoulders and fidgeting allowed. No, sir. My dad is very strict about that. When I meet people I say, "Hello, nice to meet you" in a clear crisp voice with a matching handshake if the situation calls for it.

I know I'm not supposed to let these things get to me. In fact, I've been dodging this issue for a few years, months, weeks, days already. For me, it's like a big elephant in the room that no one will talk about(myself included). I know it's there. I sense it. Sometimes it's more powerful than other days. It's an annoying thing that I know I shouldn't have have to lose sleep over or feel guilty about. I am me and they are who they are. And besides, I'm having too much of a good time to be fixated on it.

I guess I just want to write about it now to vent. When it comes to work, I've learned the importance of friends. It's a good thing that despite the things that peeve me, I have managed to make a lot of them. I should probably just keep reminding myself not to expect too much of those friendships. If by some of stroke of luck, I find friends for life, then well good. If not, who's to say I didn't give it a chance?

I'm not, and I won't be sorry for my gracious self.